I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize