We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
