My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We need to rekindle our bromance
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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