I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
