We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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