I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
