Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
