Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
