A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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