He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
