I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am midnight drunk by noon
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I can't turn off my feet"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
