two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
