look no pants
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
