Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
bring money and cleavage
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
