Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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