Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
