What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
