My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
