11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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