pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you didnt know i had herpes?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
