Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
