just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
