Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
