Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
