I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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