It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
