God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
