Umm I'm too high to move.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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