forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
