sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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