when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
