I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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