i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize