he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
