You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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