Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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