my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
