i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
