I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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