Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
