Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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