At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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