i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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