I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
