Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
