when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
