Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
