oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
