I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
