I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
