My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
