Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
