i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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