she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
