I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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