he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
