When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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