How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
