what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
