You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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