just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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